By Theresa McKenna

Provided by CN Building Adult Ministries Resource Center

FACING THE ‘DOUBLE BIND’ OF BEING BOTH SENIOR AND SINGLE

The mail can be brutal. Medicare supplemental insurance offerings. Senior discounts for magazine subscriptions. Hearing aid ads. Long-term care insurance. A letter offering inexpensive cremation! There should be a law against delivering more than one of these heinous pieces of junk mail per week! Ughh! Remember how amusing it was to have received our AARP notification with our life long partner at our elbow? It probably got tossed into the recycle bin knowing that life was good and we never felt better. There comes a time, however when it ceases to be funny.

Perhaps you are one of the millions for whom life has drastically changed, not just because of age, but because of the death of a spouse or a divorce. In spite of ever increasing longevity, the average age of widowhood is fifty-six according to our most recent census. Middle and late-age divorce has tripled in the past decade. And with those statistics, almost inevitably, we discover that we face a double bind; being both senior and single.

Common sense tells us that marriage (confirmed by a recent study conducted by John Gottman) is substantially beneficial to our physical and mental health, especially in our later years. So, the process of being well and staying well because we are not married often gets turned upside down. When a spouse dies, or divorces, there is a well-documented grief process that includes serious physiological and psychological downturns. For some people, the grief is so severe that it actually results in the loss of their own will to survive and thrive.

Obviously, one of the very reasons why marriage is good for people is because the relationship gets individuals outside of themselves. There is someone else to live for. Going out to dinner, to the movies, the golf course, or just a walk around the block are all more interesting with someone else. Alone–life can be uninteresting. What’s worse is that it can be very depressing. As a single, you may be more inclined to eat cold spaghetti out of a can in front of the kitchen sink than sit down at the table with a healthy meal in front of you.

Self care through collective support

Taking care of ourselves, for ourselves and not for someone else, means that we have hope for the future and that we still believe that we are of significance in the kingdom of God. Sometimes, we do not understand how God could have allowed our circumstances to happen, but one thing that God is very clear about in His word is the importance of community. The value of staying connected to friends while in the midst of transition cannot be overstated. There are wonderful and extremely helpful grief classes, (often available in our local church) which can be a beneficial for anyone who has recently experienced the loss of a loved one. Still, as good as a grief class may be, it will soon be over. As a life coach, one of the things that I encourage is the development of a personal support system for these major transitional episodes.

A personal support system of this type is very special. It is not a grief support group although it may function that way from time to time. Your support system needs to be at least three people, no more than seven. Five is a good number. The members do not have to be your close friends, although you will want a couple of your close friends to be among them. You may want to include a pastor or a grief counselor. This group needs to be made up of people with whom you can cry without embarrassment and laugh until you’re incontinent.

Most importantly, they have to be people with whom you feel safe to be completely honest when they ask the hard questions. You will want people who are compassionate and not judgmental. Ask them to call you and check in on you at least once every couple of weeks. Ask for permission to call them when you find yourself struggling or faltering in your process. Your support system has a special job. They have the task of holding you accountable to take care of yourself. And they have the privilege of walking along side while you do!

In preparing to develop a support system, think and pray about whom you can count on. You probably have significant elements of such a system in place without realizing it. Second, and perhaps most importantly, you must share with each individual that you are asking them to have a special responsibility in your life. We cannot assume that someone will take this role without being asked to do so. On the other hand, you don’t want to turn every relationship into an accountability relationship. There has to be a limit to the number.

What kind of accountability are you looking for?

Emotional well-being

Loneliness is an easy trap to fall into. As singles, we often feel like a fifth wheel – like we are the only ones not in a couple relationship. What’s worse, we really miss being part of a couple.  However, we are not alone; especially those of us who are women. More than half of the women over the age of sixty-five are single. A good support system can help us find new friends, both single and married, with whom you can share meals, hobbies, social activities and a sense of affinity. Many people say that as the time approaches to get out and socialize, there is an overwhelming sense of dread. Having taken that step to get out and about, however, most people say that they are glad they made the effort. Give your group members permission to nudge you out the door.

Spiritual questions

Grief hurts. The physical and emotional pain of grief can provoke some serious spiritual questions. Make sure that at least one or two of your appointed support system can help you process your spiritual concerns. Perhaps, among your group, there is someone who can be with you at church where the pews take on an alien sense of isolation. Don’t be shocked if you find yourself pondering anew questions about God that you thought were settled for you. It is perfectly normal and you will need someone to talk it through with you.

Physical health

Physical activity is the best antidote to ageing. According to John Medina, author of Brainrules, it helps our brains process both information and emotions. Making exercise a priority will go a long way in making the transition easier and faster. It is a very good reason to consider making one of your support buddies a walking or gym partner. There is so much to say about the issue of ageing and physical well being that it is recommended that you hit the bookstore for fresh publications about this topic.

Relationship issues

A good support system can be especially helpful in keeping us balanced as we work through our grief. Grief is often complex, meaning that it can represent sadness that accumulates with layer upon layer of loss in our lives. It is not uncommon to discover long buried hurts dealing with siblings, other family and friends, and even issues with the one who has gone on, to surface. When they do, they often take us by surprise. We need to be able to talk these through. Your support system will be there for you.

As time goes by, your support system may be there to celebrate with you when you meet another person whose presence tugs at your heart, or they may need to be there to challenge the soundness of such a relationship. In the midst of transition, we cannot always be counted upon to make the wisest decisions. A healthy support system confirms Proverbs 13:10b. “…wisdom is found in those who take advice.”

Financial concerns

Financial issues can be catastrophic for the senior single. There is no going back. There are no “do overs.” And time is not on our side. We all hear about seniors being the victims of financial scams. but even without becoming the prey of some hideous criminal, we are very vulnerable. Again, this is especially applicable to women. One year post divorce, the average mid-life woman remains single with an average income of $11,300. Over 58% of female baby boomers have less than $10,000 saved in a pension plan or 401(k) plan. In comparison, male boomers have saved three times more in pension programs.

Trusted support members can ask you relevant questions about your financial well being. They can help guide you and advise you. Remember that you must be willing to disclose the truth.

Remarriage

Obviously, many older singles do not want to live out the rest of their lives alone. According to some reports by Internet dating services, seniors are joining on-line dating services at a much faster pace than any other age group. For others, the idea of remarriage is anything but appealing. Although some may desire the love and companionship of another partner, it simply isn’t a possibility for many older women who outnumber senior men by an approximate ratio of three to one. Other researchers claim that older women may be reluctant to re-up for traditional gender roles of a previous marriage. The idea of caring for another person is less appealing to many women who have managed to thrive on their own.

Although the emotional issues may be very compelling, the truth is that remarriage for senior-age men and women is mired in trouble. Not only does it threaten pensions, it frequently sends terror into the hearts of adult children. They express frustration with having to deal with a new stepparent and his or her family at a time when they may be dealing with their own personal family challenges. They also worry about the inheritances that could be lost in a marriage where the biological parent dies first or the new step parent exhausts the funds with potential health care costs. As a result, marriage rates for older adults have remained flat.

More and more over the age of sixty-five are choosing to live together rather than getting married. According to AARP, the 2000 census found nearly 267,000 unmarried couples over the age of sixty-five were living together in the U.S. representing a 46% increase just between the years of 1996 and 2000. Such a pragmatic arrangement, according to those surveyed, allows for a sharing of expenses while keeping both private and governmental pensions intact.

Another dubious option has recently surfaced. In the state of Washington, for example, state lawmakers intentionally added a section to the domestic partnership law that typically centers the debate around homosexual couples. This inclusion allows heterosexual couples, where at least one of them is over the age of sixty-two to register as domestic partners. Apparently, at least three other states have similar registries and more are expected as the number of states codifying domestic partnerships increase.

While there certainly is a compassionate understanding of the financial dilemma that many seniors face, these are disturbing trends. “Marriage penalty” has a different definition for seniors struggling to simultaneously maintain financial viability and Judeo-Christian values. It certainly appears that this is an issue that must be raised in the future for federal and state government review.

2000 census

Gottman, considered by many to be a pioneer in the field of marriage research, is the James Mifflin Professor in the department of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle.

2000 census: John Medina, Brainrules, 2008 Pear Press

The Senior Source Statistics and Aging: The Spokesman-Review, Spokane WA.