I HAVE TO GET OVER MYSELF
every now and again. I remain a private person who has lived a very public life. Not an introvert. Not a flaming extrovert. But it has been my experience that life lived out among people constantly needing or wanting something from you can become like an opioid addiction. Eventually you need it. You need to be needed. You feed on being needed until it consumes you. Until—
Sometimes you just want to go
Where everybody knows your name
And they’re always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
The troubles are all the same
You
want to be where everybody knows your name. And
then one day you realize you’ve burned out! Growing
up in farming/ranching country, instills an unquestioned work ethic. From my
youth, I have been a “doer.” Much of the “doing” in my early years was done
alone, with completion of a task the true measure of success. Alone there was
time to “remember the days of old … meditate on all you have done … ponder
the work of your hands.”[2] IT
IS DIFFERENT in
the role of pastor. For me it was “find a need and fill it.” Reach for the next
even bigger challenge than the last. Prepare for and engage with tasks that
will never be completed no matter how hard I might try. Whereas with each new
day in the fields, I could see yesterday’s work clearly marked in the soil, it
is much different in the soil of human hearts. My
life may not be much different from yours. Lived in the flowing together of two
divergent streams, solitude and public life, solitude all too often being the
loser. There is no hiding out in a pastor’s life. Even when alone one may not
really be alone. Those you serve and their concerns are still a part of your
everyday. They go with you, even if not physically present. If
you are a professional or business leader, or a stay-at-home mom or dad, it is
likely you face this conundrum as well. The “doing” of the next big task,
working with others on the job, nurturing and caring for family members at
home, can be never ending and all consuming. WHICH BRINGS US weary and spent at the end of our busyness,
to one of the Apostle Paul’s more esoteric statements. What does it mean to be “hidden
with Christ in God?”[3] If
you have read my recent blog, Fewer Things, you know I am engaging in my
newest holy adventure, permitting solitude to be a more meaningful part of my
life. Solitude, not loneliness. Paul Tillich says it well, “Language… has
created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has
created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.”[4] I’m
reading The Imitation of Christ with fresh eyes these days. “Who knows
himself well, is little in his own eyes, and is not pleased with human praise .
. . love being unknown and being esteemed as nothing . . . It is
great wisdom and high perfection to be unconcerned about ourselves and to be
kind and attentive to others. A person who wishes to be good and devout, first
of all puts his interior life in order and then attends to his other duties.” (Italics
mine)[5] Few
of us are so heavenly minded we are of no earthly good. More of us are so
earthly minded, we are of little heavenly good. As strange as it may sound to
modern ears, our greatest danger is when we strive to be known and
esteemed in the church and by the world, instead of loving being unknown
and reduced in estimation. Jesus
is our example. “And being found in human form, he humbled himself by
becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”[6] TWOSTREAMS merge,
public life and solitude, where true self identity and interior order is to be
found. It is at the junction of these two streams that Paul declares, “your life is hidden with
Christ in God.” So
who am I in this powerful new season of my life? Who are you? It is not what we
hope others believe we are that matters. It is what we already are and believe.
According to Henri Nouwen “To live a spiritual life we must
first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change
it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude.[7]
This is where we get our “who” right. “Who knows himself
well, is little in his own eyes, and is not pleased with human praise . . .” It
is how we rediscover the life for which we were created. A true follower of
Jesus begins with humility. Two
divergent streams. Public self and solitude. To
be “hidden with Christ in God” in the confluence of these two streams is where
I must put my “interior life in order and then attend to my other duties.” Blessings. [1] Theme song from the television series CHEERS [2] Psalm 143:5 [3] Colossians 3:3 [4] Quote from Paul Tillich [5] Thomas à Kempis, The Imitation of Christ, Book 1, ch 2. [6] Philippians 2:8 [7]
https://henrinouwen.org/meditation/from-loneliness-to-solitude/
Ward, I wonder how you know how I feel. Most people do not. I as the one they went to for answers. Every one wants to be my friends but I do remain cautious. At the present time I have been evaluate how to spend the rest of my life. I have come to a few conclusions. I will remain in my home with changes that i want to make. Getting rid of pretty furniture and getting more practicable for the years I have left. I do have a special relationship- with our Lord and most people do not understand. where I am coming from. Most of my day I pray about most things. I only wants what the Lord wants for my life. Bless you in your journey.