HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED AT YOURSELF AND SAID

how did I get here? I am an active ordained octogenarian who is often surprised at having arrived at this life stage so soon. It’s like I’ve been preoccupied with other things on a long flight when the wheels on my airplane hit the runway unexpectedly. I look up and suddenly I am here. Gathering up my things, I “reflect” on where I am and why I came, but I’m not at all sure about what and who all have been involved in getting me to this place.

 

IT’S A MYSTERY

like a novelist nearing the end a book manuscript, “reflecting” on what he or she has written, before the “The End” marks their story’s conclusion. It’s an important mental and spiritual exercise. If the author is good, he or she will have engaged in this “reflecting” exercise innumerable times during the writing process. Evaluating. Amending. Editing. Rewriting. Correcting. Starting over. A few of the many things writers do before their work is not just a “first draft “ but the “final submission.”

 

In life, we are permitted to evaluate and correct. It is more difficult to amend and edit. It is impossible to rewrite and start all over again. Author James R. Sherman reportedly said, “Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” I believe this. It is a life ritual. First an ending, then chaos of some sort, from which emerges a new beginning.

 

The year past has been like this for me. First an ending. A harrowing accident. Then the chaos of four surgeries. Occupational therapy. Physical therapy. Doctor’s visits. A sense of loss. Nothing left to say, except goodbye. Goodbye to a home full treasured memories, to rooms where my late love’s touches are everywhere present. Next comes downsizing. Again. This time, big time.

 

Moving from the center of a bustling city to a mountain retirement community, where some of my neighbors navigate with walkers or in wheelchairs. Others have moved to the assisted living wing, still others in memory care. Am I ready for this? Trading tall buildings and high energy for tall trees and serenity. GAGE the wonder dog looks at me, questioning. Really? We are really doing this? I am questioning myself.

 

HAS BECOMING OLDER BROUGHT ME CLOSER TO JESUS?

Or after 60+ years in active ministry is my life winding down at last? I have moved physically, but chaos has moved with me. I trade the time for contemplation that I’ve been seeking for isolation that is easier. It is hard to see clearly. Decisions I am making are full of “what if’s” and “if only’s.” Praying is poorly done. GAGE does his part. He takes me on long walks through the woods on trails new to us both. He enjoys it. I, not so much at first. I think about going back. I drive into the city and view an apartment. Then I am offered another here at Timber Ridge. More space. Just the floor model I want. Yet while standing here alone in the larger apartment, I feel checked about my continuing unrest.

 

Then a friend providentially gives me Henri Nouwen’s In the Name of Jesus. In it Nouwen describes the three temptations of Jesus as temptations to be relevant, popular, and powerful. He urges changing one’s focus from relevance to prayerfulness, from popularity to ministry, and from leading to being led.

 

As I am reading, the Holy Spirit seems to ask, “So what is it you don’t understand?  This is you. You have experienced a certain amount of relevance, popularity and power in your life. But all of this is unimportant. You should know this. It never was. Leading with humility, being led by the Holy Spirit, is the key. It is still true in the time remaining for you now.”

 

I SHARE THIS VERY PERSONAL MOMENT

with you, not to illicit sympathy. None is required. I offer it because this is a common recurrence for many of my readers or others of their family or friends. Feelings rarely shared, if ever. Temptations to yearn after relevance, popularity, or power, when all Jesus wants to know is, “Do you love me?” And if our answer is ‘yes,’ the next question is, “Do you trust me to lead you the rest of the way, even to places and experiences you have never thought of going or doing?”

 

I’ve known several significant endings in my lifetime. Each were followed by seasons of chaos and uncertainty. You have had moments like these as well. This past year is my most recent one. And now, a year to the day, as you are reading this, has come and gone since GAGE and I spent our first night in our new home. Today is my birthday, time for a new beginning.

 

MY ANSWER IS “YES,” LORD

I do love you and trust you to lead me to places and experiences I have never thought of going or doing. I have often told others that life is meant to be a “holy adventure.” While it is impossible for me to rewrite my life story and start all over again, I can start from now and make yet another brand new ending.

 

And so, my friend, can you.