ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I know Jesus walked on water and all, but change my spouse? Let’s get real. You don’t know my spouse. I’ve been married to him/her for tons of years now. Well, maybe not tons, but it sure seems like it. And I can assure you nobody’s going to change that stubborn, insensitive, callous soul.

 

ISN’T IT AMAZING

that not so long after the wedding, how the perfect person you married begins to irritate the daylights out of you? Reality set in for Dixie the morning after our wedding night, when she noticed at breakfast “Mr. wonderful” wasn’t wearing his ring. A further investigation on the part of a very unimpressed bride revealed the ring had been left in the hotel room.

 

I tried explaining how waking up to the wonder of having just married the most gloriously beautiful and remarkably intelligent creature on God’s earth had brought on a momentary, but totally uncharacteristic “glitch” in my memory. This reasoning was met with the lack of sympathy that men who can recall with impressive passion, the three-point goals, fouls, and rebounds of everyone on their favorite basketball team, but cannot remember to bring home a quart of milk, come to expect. In other words, she didn’t buy it.

 

Whether it is the result of a person’s uniqueness, or simply the composite pressures of life, conflict in marriage is inevitable. And efforts to change our spouse, by education or manipulation, generally prove to be exercises in futility. But that’s life, isn’t it? As one exasperated wife put it, “My best friend got a real gem, and I’m stuck with this zircon!”

 

If you sometimes feel this way, let me offer up no one sure fire approach to seeing lasting change in your spouse. At least it’s the only one that ever worked for Dixie and me. It is to be willing to change yourself.

 

The Bible encourages us to be open to correction

[1] and to speak the truth lovingly[2]:

 

  1. Agree, in advance, to ask each other to change. Neither of you is perfect, so, if each partner anticipates the possibility of imperfection in the other, it helps take the pressure off before it has a chance to build up. It is never enough to say, “Well, that’s just the way I am.” We can all agree that allowing Jesus to bring about positive change in our life is a good thing. Why, then, should we become hostile and defensive when change is requested by our spouse?
  2. Put the emphasis on requesting change, not forcing it. Be sensitive as to when, where, and how you want to make your request(s) known. Do it privately. Consider your mate’s feelings. The best way to test the atmosphere may be to ask, “Are you open to a suggestion tonight?” Allow your spouse space to say yes or no. If the answer is no, there will often be a willingness within the hour (or you can negotiate a future time to talk), because you have given your partner opportunity to prepare for it emotionally.
  3. Don’t overdo it. Avoid overdosing on criticism. Your frustration may have been bottled up for a while. If so, when you pour one frustration out, the other maybe quick to follow. About the time you hear yourself saying, “And while we’re on the subject …” you would be wise to put a cork in the bottle. Emptying all your grievances at one time can destroy your spouse’s motivation to change. Most of us cannot handle too much criticism all at once.
  4. Balance the negative with the positive. Genuine praise and compliments tell your spouse you still like him/her. It enriches the atmosphere and gives requests for change a much greater chance of being positively received.

 

Finally, let’s face it. After we have done our best, there are still a few things that may never change. True love embraces many imperfections. I should know. I was married for more than fifty-nine years to one of the most gloriously beautiful and remarkably intelligent creatures on God’s earth. During that time she presented me with two great kids.

 

And four wedding rings.

 

So love one another the way God loves you. Do this and you’ll not just be okay. You will be amazed—and amazing.

 

 

 

 

[1] Proverbs 13:18

[2] Ephesians 4:15