“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”[1]

 

 

IF LIFE WERE THEATRE

the most dramatic point of high drama would likely be the emotion-filled scene in which one who is loved beyond all others breathes their last and their lover is left alone. It is a scene in which everyone watching wonders what will happen next. An ‘audience’ of family and friends have gathered, praying, weeping, loving, not always knowing how, but cheering the one left behind on to victory. Vicariously receiving strength and courage as they endure with the one alone now who desperately needs it for themselves. Both audience and lover left alone, seeking assurance that life here and in the hereafter will go on. That we can make it. We must, right?

 

WHEN A MARRIAGE PARTNER DIES

the emotions of mourning, grief or sadness, guilt for being the one who didn’t die, or anger because your husband/wife is gone are a new normal. Regardless of what others may say, I can confidently say, “There are no set rules for grieving.” That hundreds of books have been written on grief tells the importance of this life reality.

 

Yet a basic idea of where we are going on our grief journey is often as helpful as a library on the topic. We need a road map. I’m not sure who said it first, but it is true that active, healthy grieving requires balance between time spent processing our grief and our day-to-day life; time spent with others and with ourselves alone; and time spent seeking help from others and self-caring on our own.

 

 

PERHAPS THE BEST-KNOWN ROAD MAP

is the ‘seven basic stages of grief’ accorded to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:

  • shock and denial, an unavoidable and disavowing
  • pain and guilt, the “if only” or the “I should have”
  • anger and bargaining, at being left alone or seeking a new relationship
  • depression, loneliness and reflection
  • upward turn, reconnecting with others
  • reconstruction, altering perspective and behavior, spiritual assessment
  • acceptance, hope and gratefulness for the life you’ve had together that is no longer

 

THE GRIEF ROAD IS FULL OF POTHOLES

meant to avoid as best we can. Grief is brutal. Healing takes time. You face one of the hardest experiences people ever go through. This is why taking care of yourself now is so important. Here are some additional things that may help:

Lean on your support system. Your family, friends, spiritual leader, doctor,                       counselor.

Take time to take care of yourself. Exercise. Sleep. Nutrition. Check in with                      your family physician. Coffee with a friend. Journal.

Financial.

Once you’re feeling physically and mentally stronger, you’ll want to spend time getting your financial and legal paperwork in order. If need be, don’t hesitate to call on a trusted advisor to help you with next steps, i.e.,

Update your insurance policies if needed, including health, life, car, home;

Update your will and advance care planning, including Medicare if you are 65 or older.

        

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS

but like me, you will likely miss your life partner everyday going forward. I can tell you the deep pain will soften over time, yet loving that special partner makes us vulnerable to the pain of losing them. This is a special grief and it is brutal—the answers are hard to come by. But they will come over time. You will laugh again.

 

Let emotions of grief wash you, not overwhelm you. Tears cleanse the eye and the soul. Jesus said, “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”[2]

 

And he was right.

 

 

May Jesus keep us close.

[1] Psalm 34:18 

[2] John 16:22